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الخدمة تبعّد علينا ثلاثة مصايب كبار : الڤينيا و الفساد و الميزيريا
Candide, dans le fond de son coeur, n’avait aucune envie d’épouser Cunégonde. Mais l’impertinence extrême du baron le déterminait à conclure le mariage, et Cunégonde le pressait si vivement qu’il ne pouvait s’en dédire. Il consulta Pangloss, Martin et le fidèle Cacambo. Pangloss fit un beau mémoire par lequel il prouvait que le baron n’avait nul droit sur sa soeur, et qu’elle pouvait, selon toutes les lois de l’Empire, épouser Candide de la main gauche. Martin conclut à jeter le baron dans la mer. Cacambo décida qu’il fallait le rendre au levanti patron et le remettre aux galères ; après quoi on l’enverrait à Rome au père général par le premier vaisseau. L’avis fut trouvé fort bon ; la vieille l’approuva ; on n’en dit rien à sa soeur ; la chose fut exécutée pour quelque argent, et on eut le plaisir d’attraper un jésuite et de punir l’orgueil d’un baron allemand.
Il était tout naturel d’imaginer qu’après tant de désastres, Candide, marié avec sa maîtresse et vivant avec le philosophe Pangloss, le philosophe Martin, le prudent Cacambo et la vieille, ayant d’ailleurs rapporté tant de diamants de la patrie des anciens Incas, mènerait la vie du monde la plus agréable ; mais il fut tant friponné par les Juifs qu’il ne lui resta plus rien que sa petite métairie ; sa femme, devenant tous les jours plus laide, devint acariâtre et insupportable ; la vieille était infirme et fut encore de plus mauvaise humeur que Cunégonde. Cacambo, qui travaillait au jardin, et qui allait vendre des légumes à Constantinople, était excédé de travail et maudissait sa destinée. Pangloss était au désespoir de ne pas briller dans quelque université d’Allemagne. Pour Martin, il était fermement persuadé qu’on est également mal partout ; il prenait les choses en patience.
Candide, Martin et Pangloss disputaient quelquefois de métaphysique et de morale. On voyait souvent passer sous les fenêtres de la métairie des bateaux chargés d’effendis, de bachas, de cadis, qu’on envoyait en exil à Lemnos, à Mitylène, à Erzeroum. On voyait venir d’autres cadis, d’autres bachas, d’autres effendis, qui prenaient la place des expulsés et qui étaient expulsés à leur tour. On voyait des têtes proprement empaillées qu’on allait présenter à la Sublime Porte. Ces spectacles faisaient redoubler les dissertations ; et quand on ne disputait pas, l’ennui était si excessif que la vieille osa un jour leur dire : « Je voudrais savoir lequel est le pire, ou d’être violée cent fois par des pirates nègres, d’avoir une fesse coupée, de passer par les baguettes chez les Bulgares, d’être fouetté et pendu dans un auto-da-fé, d’être disséqué, de ramer en galère, d’éprouver enfin toutes les misères par lesquelles nous avons tous passé, ou bien de rester ici à ne rien faire ? - C’est une grande question, » dit Candide.
Ce discours fit naître de nouvelles réflexions, et Martin surtout conclut que l’homme était né pour vivre dans les convulsions de l’inquiétude, ou dans la léthargie de l’ennui. Candide n’en convenait pas, mais il n’assurait rien. Pangloss avouait qu’il avait toujours horriblement souffert ; mais ayant soutenu une fois que tout allait à merveille, il le soutenait toujours, et n’en croyait rien. Une chose acheva de confirmer Martin dans ses détestables principes, de faire hésiter plus que jamais Candide, et d’embarrasser Pangloss. C’est qu’ils virent un jour aborder dans leur métairie Paquette et le frère Giroflée, qui étaient dans la plus extrême misère ; ils avaient bien vite mangé leurs trois mille piastres, s’étaient quittés, s’étaient raccommodés, s’étaient brouillés, avaient été mis en prison, s’étaient enfuis, et enfin frère Giroflée s’était fait turc. Paquette continuait son métier partout, et n’y gagnait plus rien. « Je l’avais bien prévu, dit Martin à Candide, que vos présents seraient bientôt dissipés et ne les rendraient que plus misérables. Vous avez regorgé de millions de piastres, vous et Cacambo, et vous n’êtes pas plus heureux que frère Giroflée et Paquette. - Ah, ah ! dit Pangloss à Paquette, le ciel vous ramène donc ici parmi nous, ma pauvre enfant ! Savez-vous bien que vous m’avez coûté le bout du nez, un oeil et une oreille ? Comme vous voilà faite ! Et qu’est-ce que ce monde ! »
Cette nouvelle aventure les engagea à philosopher plus que jamais. Il y avait dans le voisinage un derviche très fameux, qui passait pour le meilleur philosophe de la Turquie ; ils allèrent le consulter ; Pangloss porta la parole, et lui dit : « Maître, nous venons vous prier de nous dire pourquoi un aussi étrange animal que l’homme a été formé. - De quoi te mêles-tu ? dit le derviche, est-ce là ton affaire ? - Mais, mon Révérend Père, dit Candide, il y a horriblement de mal sur la terre. - Qu’importe, dit le derviche, qu’il y ait du mal ou du bien ? Quand sa Hautesse envoie un vaisseau en Égypte, s’embarrasse-t-elle si les souris qui sont dans le vaisseau sont à leur aise ou non ? - Que faut-il donc faire ? dit Pangloss. - Te taire, dit le derviche. - Je me flattais, dit Pangloss, de raisonner un peu avec vous des effets et des causes, du meilleur des mondes possibles, de l’origine du mal, de la nature de l’âme et de l’harmonie préétablie. » Le derviche, à ces mots, leur ferma la porte au nez.
Pendant cette conversation, la nouvelle s’était répandue qu’on venait d’étrangler à Constantinople deux vizirs du banc et le muphti, et qu’on avait empalé plusieurs de leurs amis. Cette catastrophe faisait partout un grand bruit pendant quelques heures. Pangloss, Candide et Martin, en retournant à la petite métairie, rencontrèrent un bon vieillard qui prenait le frais à sa porte sous un berceau d’orangers. Pangloss, qui était aussi curieux que raisonneur, lui demanda comment se nommait le muphti qu’on venait d’étrangler. « Je n’en sais rien, répondit le bonhomme, et je n’ai jamais su le nom d’aucun muphti ni d’aucun vizir. J’ignore absolument l’aventure dont vous me parlez ; je présume qu’en général ceux qui se mêlent des affaires publiques périssent quelquefois misérablement, et qu’ils le méritent ; mais je ne m’informe jamais de ce qu’on fait à Constantinople ; je me contente d’y envoyer vendre les fruits du jardin que je cultive. »
Ayant dit ces mots, il fit entrer les étrangers dans sa maison : ses deux filles et ses deux fils leur présentèrent plusieurs sortes de sorbets qu’ils faisaient eux-mêmes, du kaïmac piqué d’écorces de cédrat confit, des oranges, des citrons, des limons, des ananas, des pistaches, du café de Moka qui n’était point mêlé avec le mauvais café de Batavia et des îles. Après quoi les deux filles de ce bon musulman parfumèrent les barbes de Candide, de Pangloss et de Martin. « Vous devez avoir, dit Candide au Turc, une vaste et magnifique terre ? - Je n’ai que vingt arpents, répondit le Turc ; je les cultive avec mes enfants ; le travail éloigne de nous trois grands maux : l’ennui, le vice, et le besoin. »
Candide, en retournant dans sa métairie, fit de profondes réflexions sur le discours du Turc. Il dit à Pangloss et à Martin : « Ce bon vieillard me paraît s’être fait un sort bien préférable à celui des six rois avec qui nous avons eu l’honneur de souper. - Les grandeurs, dit Pangloss, sont fort dangereuses, selon le rapport de tous les philosophes : car enfin Églon, roi des Moabites, fut assassiné par Aod ; Absalon fut pendu par les cheveux et percé de trois dards ; le roi Nadab, fils de Jéroboam, fut tué par Baaza ; le roi Éla, par Zambri ; Ochosias, par Jéhu ; Athalia, par Joïada ; les rois Joachim, Jéchonias, Sédécias, furent esclaves. Vous savez comment périrent Crésus, Astyage, Darius, Denys de Syracuse, Pyrrhus, Persée, Annibal, Jugurtha, Arioviste, César, Pompée, Néron, Othon, Vitellius, Domitien, Richard II d’Angleterre, Édouard II, Henri VI, Richard III, Marie Stuart, Charles Ier, les trois Henri de France, l’empereur Henri IV ? Vous savez... - Je sais aussi, dit Candide, qu’il faut cultiver notre jardin. - Vous avez raison, dit Pangloss : car, quand l’homme fut mis dans le jardin d’Éden, il y fut mis ut operaretur eum, pour qu’il travaillât, ce qui prouve que l’homme n’est pas né pour le repos. - Travaillons sans raisonner, dit Martin ; c’est le seul moyen de rendre la vie supportable. »
Toute la petite société entra dans ce louable dessein ; chacun se mit à exercer ses talents. La petite terre rapporta beaucoup. Cunégonde était à la vérité bien laide ; mais elle devint une excellente pâtissière ; Paquette broda ; la vieille eut soin du linge. Il n’y eut pas jusqu’à frère Giroflée qui ne rendît service ; il fut un très bon menuisier, et même devint honnête homme ; et Pangloss disait quelquefois à Candide : « Tous les événements sont enchaînés dans le meilleur des mondes possibles ; car enfin, si vous n’aviez pas été chassé d’un beau château à grands coups de pied dans le derrière pour l’amour de Mlle Cunégonde, si vous n’aviez pas été mis à l’Inquisition, si vous n’aviez pas couru l’Amérique à pied, si vous n’aviez pas donné un bon coup d’épée au baron, si vous n’aviez pas perdu tous vos moutons du bon pays d’Eldorado, vous ne mangeriez pas ici des cédrats confits et des pistaches.
- Cela est bien dit, répondit Candide, mais il faut cultiver notre jardin. »
Extrait de Candide ou l'optimisme de Voltaire

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